Don't You Hate Suspense?

In interest of not keeping anyone in suspense, I thought I'd let you know that we started a new cycle today. In other words, I'm not pregnant. I'm really okay with it. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I had a (few) good cries, I leaned on Brian, I ate popcorn for lunch. I drank some fully-caffeinated Earl Grey de la creme tea, and lusted after sushi delivery that I couldn't afford. I also had such a crazy day that I eventually was able to get it off my mind.

Please don't tell me you're sorry. I know, and I've heard that a few times today (and said it more than a few), and just really can't take it again. While I appreciate the sentiment, I'm really okay. We're committed to following God's timing, so we have to accept it even when we don't agree. He doesn't need us to anyway.

So why is this such a shock? Because of the evidence my body was presenting me with during this TWW. You may notice a new button on the right sidebar of my blog, linking to a site where I track my TWW symptoms. It keeps me from making anyone else crazy. Unfortunately, I just found it last week, so I still had a week before that to annoy the heck out of a few people. Now I'll have a place to put those thoughts without being so...up front? out loud? in your face? Whatever. It's over there, and it will be updated during each TWW.

Well, that's what's going on in my little world. I spent a good part of the day utterly crushed. Another good chunk being run ragged by the little creatures in my house. I'm exhausted, drained, and empty. So tomorrow has to be better, right?

Meanwhile, this has me feeling a lot better....

26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:

Who created all these?

He who brings out the starry host one by one,

and calls them each by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,

and complain, O Israel,

"My way is hidden from the LORD;

my cause is disregarded by my God"?

28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:26-29,31

Two Week Wait via Facebook?!

I’ve been pondering this post for a couple of days. I’m in the middle of the dreaded “two week wait” (TWW), that time after ovulation before you can trust a pregnancy test. The two weeks when your body throws every weird symptom at you it can so as to mess with your brain. For two long weeks you feel as pregnant as you can imagine, and then a test crushes you fourteen days later. Good times, as you can imagine. So I’m ignoring this as best I can. Sure, I am. Just ask YaYa Princess how many texts she’s gotten in the past ten days. Obsessive texts. I’m so very good at ignoring it, I promise. Not.

So, anyway, an acquaintance knows roughly what our TTC schedule looks like. She’s privy to when my doctor’s appointments are, and can count. So she knows this is a pivotal time. She makes it a point to ask me routinely if I’m pregnant and what we’re doing now, like Clomid or TWW, or a period. She knows way too much about my body. But she’s positive and supportive, so it’s all good. But she asked me this week when I was going to tell people if/when I’m pregnant. Specifically, will I post it to Facebook Um… So it made me think. Granted, Brian and I have discussed it, and talked through our thoughts on “when and how to tell people” when it happens. Heck, we’ve been doing this since early 2008, so we’ve had time to discuss everything. Our kids are named already, for crying out loud. Just tell us what it is, and we can tell you who it is. Anyway, our parents will know pretty much instantly. My parents probably the day we find out, and Brian’s parents as soon as we could get there to tell them in person. Our siblings will get phone calls sometime in the first trimester. I have four friends who will know very soon, too, because I can’t keep a single thing from them successfully. Everyone else, my bloggy friends, the Internet, Facebook at large, anyone not in the above list? Pretty much after the first trimester.

What really made me think was the whole question of posting to Facebook. When a good friend’s wife got pregnant, I asked if they were going to post pictures of ultrasounds and such. She replied that they would not be doing that, out of respect for their infertile friends. How nice is that?! I think that’s just such a respectful thing to do for others and so empathetic of them. I am not bothered by other people’s ultrasounds, belly pictures, pregnancy talk, or baby photos. I’m not even really envious, just wistful for when it’s me. So I wouldn’t have minded seeing their bean in all his gray, fuzzy, ultrasound glory. But I know that many, many people would have been crushed. So we’ll be adopting the same mentality when I do get pregnant. No ultrasounds on Facebook, no constant “I’m so sick, whine whine whine” on Twitter. I will not be that stumbling block to someone else, causing them pain or envy.

However, while this has been a little bit of an “infertility blog” up till this point, it’s only been that because infertility has been such a big part of our lives. It’s something that I’ve dealt with in my head since I was 16. We discussed it long before we discussed marriage. We ran through 80 million scenarios when I was still on the pill. Since 2008, it’s been a constant focus for us at least monthly, if not daily. Who am I kidding?! Daily. But in reality, this is our family blog. It’s where we post pictures of the things we do when we finally get time off, where you see what’s important to us. With three siblings in three different states, it’s how we keep in touch and keep them up to date (hi, guys!). This blog will not end when I get pregnant. And, honestly, there will be ultrasound pictures and obsessing over the state of the pregnancy. No belly shots, as no one in their right mind wants to have that seared on their retinas. But there will be discussions of pregnancy. And probably baby pictures. Because it’s our family blog, and hopefully one day our family will be bigger than just two people and three cats.

Why do I mention this now, without actually being preggo? Because I know a lot of my readers are dealing with infertility, and I want them to know how it stands. I never, ever want to alienate you guys. I never want to offend or crush you. I thank you for all you’ve taught me, and for letting me tell you things that are way too personal to tell everyone else in my life. I want to be respectful of your feelings, but I guess I hope you’ll understand and stick around, even after the rabbit dies.

Now, I’m off to obsess about completely meaningless “symptoms” that I probably feel every month and just don’t notice until I’m focusing on them. Anybody got a stick to pee on?!!

Tuesday, Tuesday

Today, please take some time to pray for MadHat76's grandfather. He will be facing surgery to place a stent in his kidney today, and is scheduled to begin chemotherapy and radiation later this week. Please remember to pray for their whole family, actually, and not just today.

Many apologies to the folks who read my last post with baited breath or tears. I didn't mean to string you along or keep you in suspense. But look at it this way: that's exactly what I had to deal with in "real time". Imagine if my appointment had been on a Friday, like it usually was during our last round of clinic visits. I never got blood work results until the following Monday (or Tuesday!) afternoons. Kind of sucks, doesn't it?

Sorry so short today. I'm hoping to spend nap time working on new slings for On The Turtle's Back (go! shop!), and am working on a few posts in my head.... We'll see when they shake themselves out. Have a good Tuesday!

Friday Already?

Wow! It's been a week since I posted! Or rather, a week and a day. I had no free time to even think about posting this week, so be impressed that this is up today!

My doctor's appointment last Thursday was....interesting. I was pleasantly surprised by the change in my doctor's bedside manner; he was friendly and helpful, and didn't make me feel like a failure at all. However, my ultrasound showed no sign of ovulation. Dr. B and I discussed raising the dosage of Clomid that I've been on to the highest dosage they can provide. I asked about blood work, but he said it wouldn't make any difference. But I knew something was just not right. My body gives clear signs when it's ovulating, and they were all there this month. How could I be so wrong about my own body?! I asked Dr. B if the fact that I have a 35 day cycle and usually ovulate "late" around CD 20 would make any difference. He said absolutely, and I gave up some blood. But it was pretty clear that I had not ovualted, and that my body was no longer responding to Clomid as expected, no matter what I thought. I left the office and made it to the car before I burst into tears. I cried most of the way home, asking God why on earth this has to be so hard. I trust Him, but it hurts to get knocked down every month. And you'd think a nine month break would help, right? Nope. Not in terms of pain. Heading home last week it was as if my last appointment had been January, not May 2009. Hurts just the same as always. I spent the rest of the night incredibly depressed, feeling like a complete failure and feeling pretty much hopeless. I hate that feeling. How could I have been so wrong?

Friday I called the patient messaging service about a million times for the results of my blood work. It was testing for progesterone, which would be present if I had ovulated. The results were finally in around 3 PM. And I ovulated!! I was right! I did know my body, and it was working like I expected! If I hadn't been determined that I knew what I was talking about I would have gone home and been depressed and sad, ready to give up. I would have raised my Clomid dosage to an insane level unneccesarily. Thank God I stood up for what I knew to be right. I've been so glad to see comments from other women dealing with infertility, women with PCOS ("cysters") and other people looking for answers. I'm so glad we can come together like this in such an unprecedented way. Today I would say to you: know your body. Be confident that you know it best. Doctors are great, and well-trained doctors are a Godsend. But stand up for your body and for what you know to be right. Demand blood work and the respect that you deserve. Thank God Dr. B trusted my self-knowledge enough to order a simple blood test.

So now it's CD 2 and we're gearing up for another month of this craziness. I have learned so much from infertility. I'll post about it soon, I promise, but just know that it's a learning experience for sure.

For now, let's

Thank God....It's Friday!

Praises

Brian's bonus check came. Let's just say that God hears prayers, and He is soooo good. We needed help and all we could do was trust. Turned out pretty good!

Both of our spare rooms are cleaned out and look lovely. That makes me such a happier person, and it feels like our house went on a diet. Ahhhhhh.....

I am thankful for YaYa Princess, who is willing to answer my most disturbing questions and discuss the most bizarre personal aspects of our lives. Usually while at work. I love her and cannot image not having her to share a brain with! Rumor has it she's pretty darn good at her job, too. Top 5 or something like that.

Requests

On Monday, my Aunt Frances passed away. She was married to my dad's oldest brother, and she had been ill for a very, very long time. Please be in prayer for her family.

Aunt Margie, Daddy's third sister, was diagnosed with cancer Monday. I have no details on her prognosis or treatment, but I know it's not good.

Uncle Roy is Aunt Margie's husband. He was also Aunt Frances' brother (a brother and sister from one family married a brother and sister from another family). He's had a pretty sucky week. He could probably use some focused prayer in his time of grief.

Brian's family (mom, dad, and Nurse Baileys) are supposed to come down this weekend. However, they are also in the middle of a blizzard, apparently. So please pray that they can actually come to Virginia, and that their travels are safe.

Brian's life at work is going to get nuts for a while. Please pray for him and for everyone else there.

I'm a Broody Hen

This past week, I started a new round of Clomid. It's the first time in nine months, and I had forgotten a few things. Or rather, was choosing not to focus on them. You know, things like the horrid headache that I get after a few days of Clomid. Or the cramps. Or the evil, snarky woman who speaks through my mouth for about two weeks. So far this cycle it's not too bad. I had one day of a headache, the cramps haven't killed me yet, and I'm remembering to watch my tongue most of the time.

But one thing I had forgotten about has slammed into me full-force. For some reason, I get really lethargic during my Clomid weeks. I mean seriously! Most days it feels like getting up, showering, and watching kids is all the work I can possibly deal with. Nothing is getting cleaned or organized, and dinner may or may not get cooked.

I am officially acting like a big ole broody hen. I'm just hanging out on my nest box couch, incubating my eggs. Good luck getting me to move my butt except to go to the bathroom and get food. The good new is, this complete and total mind-numbing lethargy usually goes away the day after I ovulate. Thank goodness, because otherwise our house won't even be suitable for this kid I'm trying to conceive!

So if you need a bathroom cleaned, a floor vacuumed, or any real work done, please find yourself another chicken. This one needs a nap.

Ch-ch-ch-ch Changes....

Who says you can't change your mind? Who says you can't change it 8 million times? We're doing just that. This month we planned to start using IUI to get pregnant. We formulated this plan about seven months ago, in May 2009. Some issues had arisen that just made it the best option for us. We have spent seven months knowing that 2010 would find us arranging our schedule and lives around IUI, not to mention our budget.

Fast-forward seven months, to now. A lot has changed. We've fixed a lot of the issues that were keeping us from conceiving. I haven't blogged about a lot of it because it's quite frankly not public business (big talk for a woman who discusses her ovaries online, no?), but things are way better than they were in May and it looks like we should be able to continue trying to conceive the...um...old fashioned way. Hee hee, I'm a 12 year old..... We're going to give it a few months and see what happens. Heck, our plans don't matter a bit to God anyway, and we're just basically waxing theoretical until we reach His appointed time for us to have kids anyway. Might as well change our minds every 10 minutes and keep it interesting, right? Thanks for hanging out on our roller coaster!!

**Post Script, of sorts: reading back over our Master Plan link, I nearly laughed my big butt off. We had huge plans for that seven months, lemme tell you. Almost none of that happened. So, so, so much more did happen, and thank God we weren't trying to make a baby through all the crap that was 2009. But seriously, God's not the only one laughing at our Master Plan. HA!

Surprisingly Okay With It

Last Tuesday evening one of my daycare parents told me that she's expecting. A baby, that is. I was so happy to hear it, as I love this little guy and think he'd make a great big brother. And they've done a stellar job raising their first child, so rock on.

After she told me, I had some time to think. I wonder if she was hesitant to tell me that she's pregnant since she knows what we've been dealing with, at least in part. I know if I were her, I'd be a little nervous and guilty feeling to tell an infertile woman that she'll get to take care of my next one. I really don't want people to feel this way! I hate to think that I've made someone uncomfortable or nervous. I am so happy for this family to be having another little blessing, and don't want them to dampen their enthusiasm for my sake.

That said, I do not always feel this way. I seriously hate to hear about yet another person who is having an unwanted baby, and feels saddled by that child. There are so many people who would love to adopt that baby, for the record. But, more to the point, I am infuriated by the fact that people can be so irresponsible and in return receive what I would give my right arm for and am trying so hard to achieve. That's annoying, quite frankly. So is hearing about how much someone's child bothers them. These things tend to make me react like a typical infertile.

However, I would never begrudge this family their happiness and I am so glad they've been blessed in this way. I know that this is not necessarily the case with a lot of people struggling with infertility, and I can respect that. But I was really pleased to discover just how okay I am with this news. Yay for babies!

Our Master Plan

Due to popular demand, I'll share our Get A Baby Plan 3.0.  You know, 1.0 was just get pregnant like everyone else.  2.0 was do a little Clomid. 2.5 was see the fertility gurus for a lot of Clomid. So, without further ado, 

Get A Baby Plan 3.0!

We're stopping everything for six months.  I know, a crazy way to get pregnant, you might think. We know that it's either going to take IUI or adoption for us to have children, so we individually took a week or so to think through our options, do some research, talk to the doctor, etc.  Brian said he continually came back to the feeling that we need six months off and then we'll be successful at something.  Since he kept coming back to this same conclusion, we decided to listen.  If God points you in a certain direction, the best plan is to listen to Him.  So, six months off.  No Clomid, only loosely monitoring anything, and just enjoying our Summer and Fall.  If I get pregnant, it's God's Will and rock on with it.  This gives us a chance to heal emotionally, rest me physically, and maybe even drop some of this big ol' butt.  Hopefully.  Gaining 25 pounds on Clomid sucked, in case I haven't mentioned it.  

After six months, we'll try six rounds of IUI.  Ideally, of course, we'll try far fewer and be successful.  If after six trys I'm not pregnant, then we're going straight to adoption.  We know that we want to adopt at some point.  Whether that's for all our children or for children in addition to a biological child remains to be seen.  First we'll try the IUI so we can have exhausted our options and can move on with no question.  

Don't think we'll be spending six months lounging on the beach and drinking mai tais, though. Nope.  Remember my post about preparing for rain?  That's what we'll be doing.  We've been so intent on asking the Lord to give us a child, but not so intent on preparing for that child. Sure, I've done a lot of reading and planning about home birth, cloth diapering, homemade baby foods, chemical-free living, homeschooling, and raising children to serve the Lord, but that's not preparing for the flesh and blood little person that we're asking for, is it?  Our eventual nursery currently houses a twin bed, full-length mirror, spare Pack n Plays for the daycare, all our yard sale accumulations, our china, a drying rack for clothes, and the second litter box.  That's not counting the closet!  Not exactly a nursery.  So, over the next six months, we'll be rearranging a few things in other rooms to accommodate the furniture and "stuff", and I'll purge most of it out of our house.  We'll return the bed to Mama and Daddy, since it's theirs, and start planning for baby furniture.  We've been buying things here and there that we know we want our kids to have, so that stuff will go into the room.  We're not painting or hanging window treatments, but we're getting ready. You know, preparing for rain.  In addition, I'll be low-carbing it, since that is a good way for women with PCOS to drop weight which leads to higher pregnancy rates.  It's worked for me before, and as important as grains are for a healthy lifestyle, it's only a temporary thing for me to do.  Bring on the steak!

The most important things we'll be doing will be gathering information for adoption, and saving money.  We'll be choosing an agency, and maybe doing agency interviews.  We'll be getting our home ready for a home study, too.  Since we'll be saving $135 each month by not going to the gurus, we'll put that aside to save.  And start cutting back dramatically in every area so as to start making a dent in the expense of IUI and/or adoption.  This six months is for preparing and planning, and that includes financial preparations.  So we won't be going many places, doing many things, or eating out much at all.  We're going frugal, ya'll.  After six months we should be able to afford six months of IUI and be better prepared financially for adoption.  

So, that's it.  I know, it's pretty simple and logical.  We have a great peace with the plan and believe that we're following God's will.  At this rate, we're looking at Baby 2010! Thoughts and prayers, and even advice are greatly appreciated. Have a great day!

Thoughts on links:  if you're here because you're dealing with infertility, some of those links might be helpful to you.  I link to things to better explain myself, not because it's the end all and be all of the information I've found.  Like the china link....it's our pattern, but not our registry. If you see a link about something you're interested in, follow it and be informed.  If you need an explanation or a link and I didn't make one, please feel free to comment or e-mail me for further information.  A handful of folks comment on my blog, and I appreciate each one.  But I see a lot of other people are here via Google Analytics, and I see the keywords that lead you here.  So know that I love you, Dear Lurker! Those links are for you!  Later, taters.

Decisions, Decisions

Today was my ovary check appointment with the Fertility Gurus. I only have two kids in care on Mondays, and one of those is on vacation this week.  The other one leaves at 12:45, so as of then I was off work! Brian worked last night from 3 AM until 1 PM today (!!!!), so he was able to go with me to Charlottesville.  I love when we can go together to these appointments; I dearly love spending time with Brian, and the two hour round trip is a good chance just to catch up and talk about our day.  And while I know that it helps the parents of children I provide day care for to have Brian watch the children when I have to leave for appointments, having him there for moral support is wonderful; it seems more like a "team effort" when we're both there.  So around 1:45 we headed off for Charlottesville.

One of the reasons we both wanted to go to this appointment was to discuss IUI further with the doctor.  We haven't committed to it before this because we were determined to continue to try for a few more months before turning to more invasive procedures. But we're numbers-people, and need to know a lot of facts before we commit to anything.  

So many things have stood in our way to getting pregnant, and it seems like as soon as we conquer one problem another one springs up.  We can't help but wonder if God isn't putting these obstacles there to force us back to his timeline.  No matter what we think, God knows when we'll have children, and how.  We can do everything we want to push things along, but until He's ready for us to be parents, we won't be.  That has become very, very obvious to us in the past few months, and we've discovered that banging your head against a wall gives you a headache.  

So, we've come to the realization lately that we have approached a crossroads in our fertility trials.  Basically, commit to IUI and put all our resources into that for now, or commit to adoption and be finished with all fertility treatments.  The two are not compatible, so we have a choice to make.  Unfortunately, there is so much to think about for both cases.  Today we wanted to get some numbers from the Gurus about success rates for IUI.  

We met with Dr. Bateman today (not our regular Guru, but he's growing on us).  We let him know what we're thinking, and that we're very interested in IUI.  From our research, we've learned that the national average success rate is between 4-23%, depending on the clinic. That's a huge span, isn't it?!  The Guru said their current success rate is 10%, and that there sometimes seems to be an unexplained cumulative effect; your success rate goes up after three or four consecutive inseminations.  With that cumulative tendency in affect, we'd be looking at maybe a 30% success rate.  Not guaranteed, of course, and there's no promise that I'll have that cumulative effect, but we're looking at somewhere between 10-30%.  

In addition, we figured up the cost.  Which, not including lost income, would be $504 per month.  We're figuring we'd need to commit to a minimum of 5 months to get that cumulative effect and let it work for us, which brings us to just over $2500.  Strangely, we don't have that lying around.  In order to afford that, we'll take the next few months "off" -- no Clomid, no inseminations, no appointments.  Just going back to being normal people with normal lives.  That'll save us about $130 monthly, but that won't touch our IUI Total.  So, we'd be scraping all the time -- don't look for us to go anywhere or do anything.  We'll be saving.  

Of course, in increasing our chances of getting pregnant (30%!) we also have to seriously look at my miscarriage risk.  Dr. Guru put it at about 20%, up 5% from the national average for "normal" people (you know, people without PCOS, infertility, or a big butt).  Currently, losing a baby in utero or from prematurity is my Absolute Biggest Fear That Keeps Me Awake At Night.

Down the other road (that diverges in a wood?) is adoption.  We're currently looking into domestic adoption of a non-white or mixed race child.  There is a huge surplus of non-white children to be adopted because white families are wanting to adopt lily-white children that will look just like them.  We do not have this need.  Not knocking you if you choose to adopt yourself some white babies.  But I don't mind if all my kids are of different races, if they look like me, or not.  Sure, knowing what our genetic make-up would look like would be cool.  Having a baby sleeping in the crib by the bed would be faaaaar cooler, thanks.  If that kid is not white, I'm not really going to be bothered.  Want a baby now, thanks.  IUI wouldn't mean that we don't adopt if it doesn't work, just that we'd be putting on the far-back burner until we were done with treatments.

The drawback for adoption?  It's E X P E N S I V E, ya'll.  Like new-car-expensive.  Like new-cars-for-both-of-us, fully-loaded-expensive.  See above about not going anywhere, doing anything, skrimping and saving.  Woot.  And the wait could be months or years.  Based on the need for people to adopt non-white kiddos, probably shorter.  But still, it's not immediate.   Much like making one yourself, you know?  And did I mention it costs a lot?  Yep.

So, we're taking a while to examine our options, regroup, huddle and discuss our next down, and decide which path to take.  We'll be praying for wisdom and guidance, as well as acceptance of God's will.  We'd be most appreciative if you'd do the same for us.  I'm not sure when we'll have a decision, but you'll know where we're going when we do.